Shiny New Subs Welcome!
Welcome to the scene! Welcome to BDSM!
You are officially FRESH MEAT.

New subs are a magnet for the worst of the worst in the scene because:
They know you don’t know anything.
They know you don’t know enough people to do proper vetting.
They are counting on your naivety to work in their favor.
The nature of the dynamic we seek lends itself to a nefarious subsection of the population. Try as we might to mitigate the risk of encounters with unsafe people, the fact remains that there are new stories of abuse and assault on a regular basis in this community. The majority (not all) of these incidents occur with inexperienced subs playing with experienced and amoral Dominants.

That sounds really scary; how do I stay safe?

1 Find a mentor. Your mentor should not be interested in fucking you and you should not be interested in fucking them. Try to find a submissive mentor with at least one year of experience in the scene. Dominants who are very eager to mentor your shiny new sub self should be approached with caution.

2 Go slow. Recognize that you are probably going to be in a sub frenzy and not thinking as clearly as you may believe. An opportunity that is good tonight will be good a month from now.

3 Vet. Vet. Vet. Ask around about people you’re interested in. When a person of interest drops a name, follow up with the name that was dropped.

4 Blind trust is your worst enemy. Educators, event organizers, Fetlebrities, and folks in other positions of power are not inherently safe. We have missing stairs (https://fetlife.com/leave/confirmation?redirect_path=https%3A%2F%2Fen.m.wikipedia.org%2Fwiki%2FMissing_stair) in positions of authority throughout the scene.

Red Flag Alert
It is extremely difficult to notice red flags in BDSM because for every red flag, we have to add on, “Unless you’re into that…”
Get to know your partner in a vanilla context before entering in ongoing D/s play.
WHY? Hopefully, you will be able to notice red flags in a vanilla setting more easily than you would if you jump right into play.
How do I eliminate danger? You cannot eliminate the dangerous aspects of our activities. The best you can do is mitigate the possibility of injury. If you do not want to expose yourself to the risk of injury, perhaps BDSM is not the right lifestyle choice for you.
Real Talk
We are playing with abuse and abusive topics in a container.
Not everyone in the scene is actually playing with these topics. There are people that are attracted to our community because they can be abusive and get away with it by calling it “play.”
We have real psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists*, and violent offenders in this space. They will always be present and problematic in the kink scene.
Some of these people are in positions of power. There may be controversy and mixed opinions and perspectives. Use your judgement.

Safety Tips
1 Ask a lot of questions.
2 Meet new people in public places, preferably at a munch.
3 Seek friendship from folks who have been in the scene for more than a year. They can fill you in on the missing stairs in your area.
4 Do not play in private with people you do not know well. First time play is best done at a play party, with other people present.
5 Do not allow restraints that limit your ability to get away in private play until you feel certain that you can trust your partner to adhere to your safewords.
6 For your first scene with a new Dominant, do not go hard and intense. Choose light play to start and increase intensity as you build trust.
7 Run background checks on play partners using an online tool like Been Verified.
8 Share your location with a trusted friend when you are meeting people you have not known very long.
9 Set up a safety call for first time private play. A safety call involves informing a third party that you will call them at certain intervals of your play date. If you do not check in, your safety person calls the police.

Stress Testing

Stress testing is a Little Chaoss patented system designed to try to surface red flags before getting into deep D/s relationships with protocols and contracts. It is not foolproof but it’s better than nothing.

Stress Test Examples:
1 Put them on the spot early. Challenge their assertions to see how well they compromise when kinks do not align. Do not kink shame, though!
2 Observe closely to how they react to stress and change. How they respond to an uncomfortable or unpleasant situation can be very revealing.
3 Use a safeword in a scene early on. You are doing nobody any favors by trying to prove how willing you are to go to extremes with new partners.
4 Add a little extra to your aftercare. Choose one out of the ordinary but reasonable request for aftercare. This is to see if the Dominant is capable of holding up their end of the bargain.
5 Ask them to follow up with you more than just the day after. Request multiple check ins, for a couple weeks.

The Predator and Vetting
Vetting is important because the scene has a lot of players that are known for poor behavior. Asking around is the only way to surface the missing stairs before you fall through a hole. It is not a perfect system and not a guarantee of safety.
You Will Not Easily See Them Coming…
Sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists*, and the like have a unique skill set. They are very good at hiding their true nature in the beginning. They will say all the right things and be on their best behavior until you let your guard down.

When Somebody Warns You…
Listen. Warning other submissives about Dominants sucks. The most common reason former submissives keep quiet about abuse is out of fear of how it will be perceived by others. If somebody goes out of their way to get in front of you about a particular individual, take it seriously. Submissives approach strangers with warnings because they know you will not be able to see the predator for who they really are until it is too late. The angry-ex-sub-slandering-Dominant archetype was created by Dominants. It is more rare than Dominants would like for you to believe.
I hope this information will help all of the shiny new subs stay as safe as you can be while moving through your submissive journey. Feel free to reach out to me if you would like to vet someone I am associated with. Always happy to help. And remember this:
There are two main types of people, givers and takers. Sometimes takers come off as givers in the beginning so make sure you’re not just dating a taker who is only giving you what you need right now so they can use you for what they want later.

Much love, little chaoss

follow her on Fet @little_chaoss

Related post

Consent – https://dragontitty.org/2021/10/09/consent/

IG @the.nakedspirit

Dragontitty Consent Guidelines

Some of our events may include guests and performers in setting of a sexual nature. Sexual or otherwise we believe consent is paramount in all situations.

While these guidelines should be useful for any encounter at any time or place in your life, they are particularly designed for events of self exploration. Importantly the guidelines are aimed at everybody: whatever role you take and however you identify. No matter how experienced, we all encounter (or are responsible for) non-consensual behaviour from time to time. Hopefully these guidelines will help you to understand these areas more fully, as well as giving you some ideas about how best to ensure a consensual experience.

We hope that the guidelines will help to:
• Increase the amount of freedom, confidence and safety that everybody involved will experience, given that the boundaries are as clear as possible;
• Reduce the possibility that anybody will end up with regrets or complaints.

People often think that consent is as simple as asking somebody if they want to do something, and getting a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’. However, there are a lot of expectations on us when it comes to sex and play, which can make it difficult to be completely sure at all times what we want, and hard always to communicate that to others.

These guidelines cover the kinds of practices that you can engage in to maximise consent. Many people find that these practices make their encounters more hot and enjoyable. For example, describing what you’re into, hearing somebody’s fantasies, or checking in with somebody, can be very exciting practices in themselves.

Before
• Be gentle towards yourself about what you feel capable of doing. Events can have their challenges and problems even for regulars, so if you’re new to these environments things might feel all the more overwhelming and strange. Anyone playing with a newbie should take particular care. It’s easy in the initial enthusiasm to accidentally overstretch your limits.
• It’s always okay to do nothing. It’s fine to be at an event and not play. It’s also okay to start and then to stop at any time. No-one should ever pressure you to progress beyond your boundaries or shame you for not participating. If you feel pressured then you can either say ‘no’ or give a safeword, or tell an organiser who will be happy to come and say this on your behalf.
• Consider what kind of state everyone is in. If you or your potential play partner are intoxicated, if you’re feeling fragile, or if you’re very tired, it’s best to get that out in the open. In these circumstances it’s a good idea to put limits on activities and to check in often with each other.

Making and receiving approaches
• If you’d like any kind of touch or encounter with somebody, ask the other person once before doing anything or inviting them to participate. Examples: ‘Mind if we sit here?’ ‘May I give you a hug?’ ‘Would you like to dance?’ ‘Care to come to the playroom with me?’ etc.
• If you’re suggesting a kink scene of any kind then make sure you’re clear about exactly what it would involve, and how experienced you are, so that the other person can make informed consent.
• Unless you get a fully enthusiastic response such as ‘yes please’ then say ‘no worries’ and drop the subject (or move away if the person seems at all uncomfortable). Many people, perhaps the majority, feel uncomfortable saying ‘no’.
• Watch out for the many subtle ways of saying no, such as “Not now”, “You’re not my type”, “I like you but”, “I’m not sure”, “You’ve/I’ve been drinking”, “Maybe later”. If someone looks uncertain, makes an excuse, or says anything that is not an enthusiastic ‘yes’, take their uncertainty as a no.
• Remember that some people are given different degrees of ‘permission’ by society to ask for what they want or don’t want. So pay attention to the other person when talking about what you do or don’t want. Who is doing most of the talking? Is there a sense of enthusiasm? Are they going along with the conversation because they are finding it too awkward?
• The following differences between you might complicate the ease with which someone can feel comfortable saying no: one of you being older or more experienced; differences in gender, race, ethnicity, disability status, class, education, language; differences that mean that one of you is generally seen as less culturally ‘attractive’ and/or differences in levels of self-confidence or mental health struggles.
• When someone does say no, it definitely means no – and this can happen at any time of an encounter. The only exception is where you have both specifically agreed a safeword taking the place of “no” that everyone can use to bring all play to an end.

Negotiating
• Negotiate your boundaries together before playing, having sex or getting into any kind of role. The ideal situation here is a conversation that covers things like: talking about what you’re each into and finding the common ground between you; letting each other know your limits and what you don’t like; identifying any places that you don’t want to be touched; explaining any medical issues; figuring out what it is that you are going to do this time and roughly how long it’ll last; determining how you will let each other know if you’re not enjoying it any more and want it to stop (including safewords); talking about safer sex practices and STIs; discussing what kind of aftercare you’ll each want afterwards (e.g. a cuddle, no contact, a phone call the next day). Above all ensure that you come to a clear, shared understanding.
• For those people who find it difficult to negotiate consent verbally, an alternative is to consciously negotiate as you go. Be sure to start off with a short verbal check-in such as ‘tell me if there’s anything you don’t like’ or ‘is there anywhere you don’t want to be touched’. From there pay attention to micro-communications such as eye contact, breathing, noises, how bodies move towards or away from each other, facial expressions. Every now and then use short phrases for direction and feedback: ‘this okay?’ ‘faster,’ ‘bit softer,’ ‘just like that,’ plus non-verbal cues such as eye contact, smiles etc. In kink scenes, some people quote colours, such as green for “I’m enjoying this and you can continue”, amber for “be cautious, perhaps slow down or decrease intensity” and red as the safeword meaning “stop”.
• Remember that words have different meanings for different people so don’t be afraid to clarify what a word means to you. Things like ‘beating’, ‘pain’, ‘humiliation’ and even ‘sex’ can have multiple interpretations, so it’s worth checking e.g. “by not wanting to have sex during the scene do you mean getting naked, touching genitals, some kind of penetration, giving/getting an orgasm, or something else?”.
• Pre-negotiation is always an option. You might want to say “no” at an event itself but start a detailed conversation (by text, by email or on the phone) about your desires for a future encounter. There are online questionnaires that are quite in-depth about experience, likes, dislikes, and limits (hard and soft). This can be an exciting way to know each other before playing and for extended, more complicated scenes, these can be useful.

During an encounter
• Even an ‘enthusiastic yes’ is just the opening gambit. An initial yes is not a carte blanche for anything that might happen later. Consent is an ongoing back-and-forth conversation. Our sense of comfort, safety and enjoyment is always changing. Even if someone said ‘yes’ five minutes ago, pay attention to how your (or their) body may be saying no five minutes later.
• ” Play / sex / a scene is not an escalator that needs to progress ever onwards and upwards. Things don’t have to happen in a set, predictable order. Just because you start doesn’t mean you have to finish. It’s fine to re-negotiate boundaries in the midst of a scene, to go back to something you were doing earlier, to slow down, take a break or stop entirely.
• There is nothing wrong with asking a friend or DM (dungeon monitor) to keep an eye out if you are playing with someone unfamiliar to you. They needn’t be close enough to invade the scene.
• Engaging with other people’s encounters
• Don’t ask to join other people’s scenes after they have started, and don’t try to get involved without permission by touching them or lurking on the edge of their scene
• Make sure that you only watch people who have explicitly said that they are happy being watched. There’s a difference between looking and staring. Keep a respectful distance, and move away if they look at all uncomfortable, deliberately avoid eye contact or ask you to stop.
• Respect the privacy of other guests by not taking photos, sharing contact details, describing details of a scene or tagging in social media without explicit permission.
• Ask an event organiser about what the etiquette is in any situation you’re unsure about.

Be cautious around:
• Situations where anyone is encouraged to do something they don’t want to do
• Anything from touching to name-calling that happens without explicit consent
• Playing with people who don’t or can’t communicate or discuss boundaries
• Failing to hear ‘no’ or not responding to a request to slow down or pause
• Expressing discomfort about aspects of other peoples’ identity or body
• People who claim to know more about others’ desires or needs, or how their body works
• Organisers/facilitators/leaders encouraging guests to do something with them
• People with more power or status not taking that into account when negotiating
• Those with less experience or status who might not feel empowered to give accurate feedback

It can be the case that someone who plays under one of the above situations can feel a sense of consent violation afterwards, so it’s worth being cautious under those conditions. Remember that it’s always okay to arrange to potentially play at a later event when you’ve had more time to think, to negotiate, and to discuss the idea with mutual friends or people with more experience.
If you experience anything that feels non-consensual or that breaks the agreements of a community, consider doing the following:
If you feel able to, speak to the person in the moment so they know something is wrong.
Use phrases such as ‘This makes me feel uncomfortable’, or ‘this doesn’t feel okay’. Say ‘stop’, use a safeword or (if you can) just walk away.
 If you prefer not to directly to the person concerned about what happened, that’s okay. You do not have to justify yourself or engage in any kind of debate if you don’t want.
You can get help from people around you, and get support from friends if they are present. If you need to ask friends or other guests to keep you away from a particular person, please do so.
Talk to an organiser, or ask for a friend/ another guest to get an organiser, as soon as possible. Usually organisers make themselves known with a particular item of dress (e.g. a lanyard, a special t-shirt or an armband) but if not, you can ask bar staff or venue security to get an organiser.
If something happens that you are concerned about
If you see other people doing anything that you’re concerned about, please talk to the organisers. Sometimes the people involved don’t feel able to say anything themselves. It can be very valuable when a responsible onlooker alerts an organiser.
• If you see a situation that contravenes an event’s values and you wish to step in, do so – but don’t ever intervene with physical force. And ensure you don’t break the event’s rules yourself.
• The organiser should talk to the person concerned about their behaviour – you shouldn’t have to (unless you want to do so.) They should also help get community members support if they need it, or help them leave if required.
• Even if the situation is resolved or you don’t want to do anything further, it’s vitally important to tell the organisers about every incident.
• Getting support
• If you need support after the event write in to the event organisers asking for their help, and reach out to friends on the phone or by email/private message. It is usually wise to avoid going onto public social media in the immediate aftermath, until you are happy you have adequate support.
• If you are the person who somebody has complained about, be open to hearing that you’ve transgressed. If you wish to apologise speak to the person concerned only if they have explicitly stated they are comfortable doing so. (If in doubt, check with an organiser rather than approaching the person directly).
• If you’re still struggling with it afterwards, or if you didn’t feel able to say anything about it at the time, consider talking to a professional. Dragontitty can put you in touch with a kink-aware professional who is used to dealing with these matters. They can help you to think about what you’d like to do next – to look after yourself and/or to report the person who was non-consensual. They can also help if you are the one who finds yourself accused of non-consensual behavior. You could just have a one-off session with the professional, or more ongoing support if you need it.

oh and if you are still wondering exactly what is consent? check out the video on this page. http://signsjournal.org/currents-affirmative-consent/affirmative-consent-and-yes-means-yes/

Be sure to check out DJ Steve Bruce’s mix at MixCloud

https://www.mixcloud.com/DJSteveBruce/buffalo-burn-2021-hkg-part-1-dj-steve-bruce/

Dragontitty was founded in 2020 as a virtual Burning Man camp to perform in multiverse. We created an online cabaret and staked our virtual territory in SparkleVerse. Big kudos to our amazing and talented performers that joined together to entertain the world. Here’s a couple of pics from that fateful day…