some very good advice from Little Chaoss, San Francisco based educator …
Shiny New Subs Welcome!
Welcome to the scene! Welcome to BDSM!
You are officially FRESH MEAT.
New subs are a magnet for the worst of the worst in the scene because:
▪️ They know you don’t know anything.
▪️ They know you don’t know enough people to do proper vetting.
▪️ They are counting on your naivety to work in their favor.
The nature of the dynamic we seek lends itself to a nefarious subsection of the population. Try as we might to mitigate the risk of encounters with unsafe people, the fact remains that there are new stories of abuse and assault on a regular basis in this community. The majority (not all) of these incidents occur with inexperienced subs playing with experienced and amoral Dominants.
That sounds really scary; how do I stay safe?
1 Find a mentor. Your mentor should not be interested in fucking you and you should not be interested in fucking them. Try to find a submissive mentor with at least one year of experience in the scene. Dominants who are very eager to mentor your shiny new sub self should be approached with caution.
2 Go slow. Recognize that you are probably going to be in a sub frenzy and not thinking as clearly as you may believe. An opportunity that is good tonight will be good a month from now.
3 Vet. Vet. Vet. Ask around about people you’re interested in. When a person of interest drops a name, follow up with the name that was dropped.
4 Blind trust is your worst enemy. Educators, event organizers, Fetlebrities, and folks in other positions of power are not inherently safe. We have missing stairs (https://fetlife.com/leave/confirmation?redirect_path=https%3A%2F%2Fen.m.wikipedia.org%2Fwiki%2FMissing_stair) in positions of authority throughout the scene.
Red Flag Alert
It is extremely difficult to notice red flags in BDSM because for every red flag, we have to add on, “Unless you’re into that…”
Get to know your partner in a vanilla context before entering in ongoing D/s play.
WHY? Hopefully, you will be able to notice red flags in a vanilla setting more easily than you would if you jump right into play.
How do I eliminate danger? You cannot eliminate the dangerous aspects of our activities. The best you can do is mitigate the possibility of injury. If you do not want to expose yourself to the risk of injury, perhaps BDSM is not the right lifestyle choice for you.
Real Talk
▪️ We are playing with abuse and abusive topics in a container.
▪️ Not everyone in the scene is actually playing with these topics. There are people that are attracted to our community because they can be abusive and get away with it by calling it “play.”
▪️ We have real psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists*, and violent offenders in this space. They will always be present and problematic in the kink scene.
▪️ Some of these people are in positions of power. There may be controversy and mixed opinions and perspectives. Use your judgement.
Safety Tips
1 Ask a lot of questions.
2 Meet new people in public places, preferably at a munch.
3 Seek friendship from folks who have been in the scene for more than a year. They can fill you in on the missing stairs in your area.
4 Do not play in private with people you do not know well. First time play is best done at a play party, with other people present.
5 Do not allow restraints that limit your ability to get away in private play until you feel certain that you can trust your partner to adhere to your safewords.
6 For your first scene with a new Dominant, do not go hard and intense. Choose light play to start and increase intensity as you build trust.
7 Run background checks on play partners using an online tool like Been Verified.
8 Share your location with a trusted friend when you are meeting people you have not known very long.
9 Set up a safety call for first time private play. A safety call involves informing a third party that you will call them at certain intervals of your play date. If you do not check in, your safety person calls the police.
Stress Testing
Stress testing is a Little Chaoss patented system designed to try to surface red flags before getting into deep D/s relationships with protocols and contracts. It is not foolproof but it’s better than nothing.
Stress Test Examples:
1 Put them on the spot early. Challenge their assertions to see how well they compromise when kinks do not align. Do not kink shame, though!
2 Observe closely to how they react to stress and change. How they respond to an uncomfortable or unpleasant situation can be very revealing.
3 Use a safeword in a scene early on. You are doing nobody any favors by trying to prove how willing you are to go to extremes with new partners.
4 Add a little extra to your aftercare. Choose one out of the ordinary but reasonable request for aftercare. This is to see if the Dominant is capable of holding up their end of the bargain.
5 Ask them to follow up with you more than just the day after. Request multiple check ins, for a couple weeks.
The Predator and Vetting
Vetting is important because the scene has a lot of players that are known for poor behavior. Asking around is the only way to surface the missing stairs before you fall through a hole. It is not a perfect system and not a guarantee of safety.
You Will Not Easily See Them Coming…
Sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists*, and the like have a unique skill set. They are very good at hiding their true nature in the beginning. They will say all the right things and be on their best behavior until you let your guard down.
When Somebody Warns You…
Listen. Warning other submissives about Dominants sucks. The most common reason former submissives keep quiet about abuse is out of fear of how it will be perceived by others. If somebody goes out of their way to get in front of you about a particular individual, take it seriously. Submissives approach strangers with warnings because they know you will not be able to see the predator for who they really are until it is too late. The angry-ex-sub-slandering-Dominant archetype was created by Dominants. It is more rare than Dominants would like for you to believe.
I hope this information will help all of the shiny new subs stay as safe as you can be while moving through your submissive journey. Feel free to reach out to me if you would like to vet someone I am associated with. Always happy to help. And remember this:
There are two main types of people, givers and takers. Sometimes takers come off as givers in the beginning so make sure you’re not just dating a taker who is only giving you what you need right now so they can use you for what they want later.
Much love, little chaoss
follow her on Fet @little_chaoss
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